It Is Very Hard To Say The Exact Truth, Even About Your Own Immediate Feelings

Much Harder Than To Say Something Fine About Them Which Is Not The Exact Truth

Monday, February 22, 2010

When I Need You...

Isk! Sangat b0olat lah pula gamba nih. Huehue...


Termenung. Tengok bayang2 diri sendiri di monitor pc. Entah apa yang difikirkan pun tak tau. Hairan. Makin lama makin teruk apa yang di rasa. Manusia tidak punya kuasa untuk menolak takdir. Merancang? Kadang2 apa yang dirancang hanya tinggal rancangan sahaja.


Ahh.. Badan pun baru nak sihat. Saket menjadi2 pulak sejak kebelakangan nih. Sekejap oke. Bila oke, gaya macam orang sihat sangat. Sekejap lagi akan jadi sangat tidak oke. Jatuh tersungkur macam dah nak mati sangat gayanya. Haih! Cuba sembunyi pun, orang akan tau juga. Terpaksa minta tolong sapa2 yang terdekat. Hmm ..


Cuti Tahun Baru China minggu lepas saya derita lagi. Sangat2 sakit. Sudahnya semua kenduri saya tidak dapat hadir. Lantak lah mereka mahu marah atau apa. Memang sangat2 tidak larat. Cuba lah rasa kalau mau. Put your legs on my shoes. Heh! Hari Ahad baru ada daya untuk pulang ke Gemencheh. Pemanduan sangat2 perlahan sepanjang lebuhraya. Panas terik. Bertambah2 sakit rasanya kepala.


Sampai ke Gemencheh, saya hanya tidur sahaja. Esoknya, ketika celik mata, Subuh, Ayah ada di sisi. "Sampai bila macam ni ni...Bila nak sihat ni..." Terkedu. Diam. Pejam mata kembali. Entah lah. Selagi ada nyawa, selagi itulah sakit nya datang. Tak hilang2. Hampir 15 tahun dah. Separuh umur saya dah.


Berubat? Malas. Pasrah sajalah. Ada yang menyuruh berubat cara kampung. Tradisional. Rasanya, dari mula datangnya sakit ni, dari zaman bulu kaki baru nak tumbuh, dah banyak kali Omak Ayah bawa berubat. Macam2 cara. Tidak mahu juga sembuh. Bila hilang, sihat lah. Bila datang, tidak sihat lah.


Jujur, saya kurang percaya berubat cara tradisional. Tidak semua yang betul2 boleh mengubat orang. Ada yang ilmu belajar, ada yang ilmu tanggung. Segelintir juga yang mengamalkan ayat2 suci Al-Quran ketika mengubat. Yang segelintir itulah yang payah dicari.


Waktu ini, sakit agak kurang. Cuma ada kala terasa seperti di awang2an. Melayang2. Hehe. Bila tiba rasa macam tu, apa lagi yang mampu dibuat? Baring. Tidur sahajalah. Macam biasa, akan cuba sembunyi selagi mampu. Malas sudah mahu menyusahkan orang. Minggu lepas, terasa tidak mampu sangat. Terpaksa juga meminta tolong. Esok, lusa, harap2 hilanglah.


Hmm .. Pagi tadi, celik mata, tiba2 terasa sesuatu yang hilang. Sesuatu yang tiba2 terasa jauh. Entahlah ... Bila dah terleka, kita cepat lupa. Bila terkena, kita terasa. Erm ...


Arrr.. In English boleh? Isk ..

**************************************

I feel the time is getting close when we will have to part. I'll show that i'll miss you with last words from my heart. We must be dreaming all the time we have spent together. But, i'll forget this day is coming. Today i sit here. Trying to tell you how much i really care.


We'll go our separate ways and i'll make it if i try. You see right through my pretenses and look right through me. You know just when i need a hug. You show up when i'm lonely. You stay when i'm depressed. All of my rude comments you shrug away.


You see all my dark. You see all my light. You're always by my side even when i'm not right. You cheer me when i'm sad. You catch me when i fall. How did you come to earn my trust, when i trust no one else at all? Although so many things fools us away.


I know now that i have been, always been alone ... I laugh at my former faith in the saying "Friends are forever." As i trudge through this desert of a life, friends and companions seem to be hands. Materializing out of nothingness ...


Their sole purpose being to offer me a small cup of water, a bit of shade, and a smattering of physical contact. They letting me know that though, i walk alone, others do exist. Laughter usually denotes happiness or joy.


I laugh because there are too many things to cry about ... I cease my cackling for a moment. Because, a thought too vivid for emotion comes to mind. And yet, to treat through this weary existence alone ...


I lick the tears from my lips as i laugh again ...
Hysterical ...
And alone ...
Hmm ...
I do missin' you much ...
Hope everything will be normal soon ...


  • Arrr....Mak masak apa eh ari nih?
  • Lapaarrrr .... Petang kang datang sana.
  • Maybe nak gi jumpa Uj ngan Atung gak petang kang. Ada hal sikit.
  • Apa2 nanti call.
  • Aku sangat rindukan engkau...











4 comments:

  1. if u eva need me.. i'm here bebehhhhhh.. taking care! huehuehue

    ReplyDelete
  2. hadow.. sedeyy :'( jangan lupe mamam ubat lau sakit.. be cOolll =)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Cegu ::: u're here? aUm!~ Tengkiyu2.. =)

    Miya ::: Hadow.. Co0L la nih . Agaga... =P

    ReplyDelete

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